The first time (and possibly the last time?)
I have never left Pippa overnight. She is 21 months old now and shes never been put to bed by anyone else other than myself and I am quite proud of this. One of the things that I really disliked about the idea of going back to work was leaving before she wakes in the morning and getting back after she's gone to sleep. Or on a night shift, not being there for bedtime or overnight when she wakes. Until recently, she has relied on breastfeeding as part of her bedtime routine, if not the only thing that gets her to sleep. This has meant that by default, the majority of the bedtime has been down to me.
In the last couple of months, it has become very much apparent that the breastfeeding isn't getting her to sleep in the same way it used to. And is was very much becoming a habit overnight which wasn't needed. At her most restless times, she was coming into our bed at midnight (or just after) and feeding on and off every 45 minutes or so. Not because she needed it, but because something was keeping her up, whether it was teeth pain (we've had A LOT of that recently, come on 4 last teeth!!) or belly ache, too hot, too cold, just wanted comfort; who knows! Anyway, I decided that she was done with overnight feeds. To be honest, it went WAY better than I thought! We replaced it with cuddles which to begin with meant she was still in with us much of the night but after a short while, she started settling for longer and generally sleeping much better, which then meant longer periods in her own room. She now comes in to us between 4 and 5 (sometimes a little earlier but not much) and just snuggles up between us. No boob involved!
From then, the only breastfeeds she was having was nap time and bedtime. Again, it really wasn't getting her to sleep like it was before so this week, I have tried to stop her having it, firstly for the nap and now at bedtime too. It has meant that she hasn't actually napped all week (apart from Monday) but she has been skipping daytime naps every now and then for a while.When she has napped during the day it has massively impacted bedtime with her not giving in until 9pm or later. Without the daytime nap she struggles at points during the day but bedtime is much better. In either circumstance, breastfeeding wasn't helping her to sleep anymore so therefore Monday evening (1st October, the dates important to me, I don't know why) was the last time she had boob. Will it be THE last time?!? She asks occasionally but it's very half-arsed and certainly no protesting when she doesn't get it. So I think it will be. My boobs haven't exactly struggled with the sudden stop in feeding either with really does tell me that it's time. I'm sort of sad about it, but I am also ready for her to stop too. I have been for a while....
Anyway, all this rambling about the demise of breastfeeding takes me on to what happened for the first time last night...
For the first time, Scott put her to bed and I watched on the camera from the other room but was not needed! Actually all I got was a kick in the face as I tried to give her kiss cuddles good night before leaving them to it! Okay she fought it and it took a long time to go to sleep, but she does exactly the same with me and it takes just as long.
I shed a little tear. It really feels like we have turned a corner recently and all of a sudden she seems SO SO grown up! I still feel like shes my little baby I held and fed for the first time soon after she was born. She was so small I was scared to take home. She still is baby that would never sleep alone so I held her for hours whilst needing a wee as her sleep was more important. She'll always be my baby. Although I get sad sometimes thinking about how quick shes growing up, I enjoy her every single day and intend on making the most of the next stage of her little adventure too! With me now returning to work next month (although for not long, I know) it's been important to me to know that she will be okay without me. I know she will be, but shes often screamed hysterically until shes fallen asleep without me around so I really don't want that the be the case when I am away for longer than just a few hours. I know she'll adapt quickly, just look at how she's changed in the last week, but to know it's not going to be too traumatic for my family without me makes me feel happier returning to work. I feel like I can concentrate whilst I am there and not worry so much about whats happening at home... I'm sure I still will worry a bit but I owe it to myself to make the most of my short stint back at work. There have been moments over the last 21 months where I have felt overwhelmed and somewhat burnt out by motherhood, I would be lying if I denied it. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I have soaked up every single second I have had off with her and am so incredibly grateful that I have had this opportunity. Although at times it has been hard, I have never wished I had gone back to work. It's been the best thing I have ever done!
In the last couple of months, it has become very much apparent that the breastfeeding isn't getting her to sleep in the same way it used to. And is was very much becoming a habit overnight which wasn't needed. At her most restless times, she was coming into our bed at midnight (or just after) and feeding on and off every 45 minutes or so. Not because she needed it, but because something was keeping her up, whether it was teeth pain (we've had A LOT of that recently, come on 4 last teeth!!) or belly ache, too hot, too cold, just wanted comfort; who knows! Anyway, I decided that she was done with overnight feeds. To be honest, it went WAY better than I thought! We replaced it with cuddles which to begin with meant she was still in with us much of the night but after a short while, she started settling for longer and generally sleeping much better, which then meant longer periods in her own room. She now comes in to us between 4 and 5 (sometimes a little earlier but not much) and just snuggles up between us. No boob involved!
From then, the only breastfeeds she was having was nap time and bedtime. Again, it really wasn't getting her to sleep like it was before so this week, I have tried to stop her having it, firstly for the nap and now at bedtime too. It has meant that she hasn't actually napped all week (apart from Monday) but she has been skipping daytime naps every now and then for a while.When she has napped during the day it has massively impacted bedtime with her not giving in until 9pm or later. Without the daytime nap she struggles at points during the day but bedtime is much better. In either circumstance, breastfeeding wasn't helping her to sleep anymore so therefore Monday evening (1st October, the dates important to me, I don't know why) was the last time she had boob. Will it be THE last time?!? She asks occasionally but it's very half-arsed and certainly no protesting when she doesn't get it. So I think it will be. My boobs haven't exactly struggled with the sudden stop in feeding either with really does tell me that it's time. I'm sort of sad about it, but I am also ready for her to stop too. I have been for a while....
Anyway, all this rambling about the demise of breastfeeding takes me on to what happened for the first time last night...
For the first time, Scott put her to bed and I watched on the camera from the other room but was not needed! Actually all I got was a kick in the face as I tried to give her kiss cuddles good night before leaving them to it! Okay she fought it and it took a long time to go to sleep, but she does exactly the same with me and it takes just as long.
I shed a little tear. It really feels like we have turned a corner recently and all of a sudden she seems SO SO grown up! I still feel like shes my little baby I held and fed for the first time soon after she was born. She was so small I was scared to take home. She still is baby that would never sleep alone so I held her for hours whilst needing a wee as her sleep was more important. She'll always be my baby. Although I get sad sometimes thinking about how quick shes growing up, I enjoy her every single day and intend on making the most of the next stage of her little adventure too! With me now returning to work next month (although for not long, I know) it's been important to me to know that she will be okay without me. I know she will be, but shes often screamed hysterically until shes fallen asleep without me around so I really don't want that the be the case when I am away for longer than just a few hours. I know she'll adapt quickly, just look at how she's changed in the last week, but to know it's not going to be too traumatic for my family without me makes me feel happier returning to work. I feel like I can concentrate whilst I am there and not worry so much about whats happening at home... I'm sure I still will worry a bit but I owe it to myself to make the most of my short stint back at work. There have been moments over the last 21 months where I have felt overwhelmed and somewhat burnt out by motherhood, I would be lying if I denied it. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I have soaked up every single second I have had off with her and am so incredibly grateful that I have had this opportunity. Although at times it has been hard, I have never wished I had gone back to work. It's been the best thing I have ever done!
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